You know what gets me?
Like, it hits me really hard, with the force of a frieght train down a straightaway in Nebraska.
The fact that we made these descisions to block people out, or to worship people, or to hate people when we were, what, fourteen?
I first fell in what I thought (and still believe) was love at age twelve. It was that kind of love that artists get, you know, like Van Gogh and Herman Hesse, where she doesn't love you back so you paint or write or cut or tie knots in ropes... that kind of love. It was serious. Unfourtunately, because it was my first love, I didn't really know anything about it. I made some stupid choices, and I almost lost a friend. Luckily, though, she had a big heart and was able to forget, though whether it was for herself or me, we never discussed. So when I was thirteen, we ended up getting together. I believe she was turning twelve that year, but she wasn't quite yet.
Here is where the mistake was made. We got in over our heads. She was emotionally unstable even then, though I had no clue. She clung to me, I believe, because I offered her this love that had been building in me for over a year. I just think it was natural for her. I don't blame anyone for this. But this led to our downfall.
Shortly before the beginning of the school year, I told her we maybe should slow down, take a breath, figure out just what it is we're doing here. We came to the conclusion, though, that we shouldn't, mostly through silly arguments. I think she cried. That's a sign I was already in too deep.
Anyway, I hurt her. More than I could ever hurt anyone else. With the aid of my best friend, who helped me every step of the way, I left her. What I did next was worse. I immediately snatched up another girl. Bad news.
Well, here's the problem.
I hurt that poor girl so bad that she has chosen to shun me from her life. That's not unreasonable. But my problem from the situation is that she made the descision to lock me out before she was even thirteen!
How fucked up is that?
All this happened before I should have even been dating!
Is the world so messed up that teenagers have to make life lasting choices about people on a daily basis? Let's face it; teenagers are SO unreasonable! I know I am. I know plenty of us who are. We're going through this thing where we're trying to find out just who we are, though half of us would argue they already know (they'd be wrong), and we think, with all this selfish thought, that we should be allowed to control other people's lives. Really. What the hell.
Just remember that you haven't even started living life yet, folks. You don't know what it's like. Not saying I do, but I'm working on finding out. So chill on the hating and the you should die and the I want to die and all the bullshit, because you'll regret it when life starts.
~Q